Psychosexual Problems: Forbidden Fantasies
By NZ Malik
In a land where the word ‘sex’ is a taboo, one can imagine how ‘sexual fantasies’ must be rated. Closed societies like ours deny its people a healthy lifestyle. We are still struggling with the decision of letting our youth have information about their growing bodies. Our conservatism has lead us to be on the top of the list of countries with maximum hits on porn sights. The information downloaded from porn sights is the cause of a number of psychosexual problems. The fact that these subjects are forbidden and there are no systems for counseling further complicates the situation. We came across a number of young girls married to apparently normal guys shocked out of their wits at the sexual demands made by their partners.
Sexuality is a basic human right and healthy societies deal with it openly. The youth is educated at school about their physical and sexual requirements and proper means to fulfill them. The concept of responsibility associated with sexual acts is ingrained in them at a very young age and very few deviate from the normal. The word normal is also defined clearly so people do not unnecessarily feel like freaks.
The most important lesson in sexuality is the concept of free will. Anything that is being forced on one partner by another is unacceptable in civilised world. And that stands true even in marriage… hence the idea of marital rape.
Dr Susan Block, a famous sexologist, once wrote in her article, “Your fantasies are always with you, playing hide-and-seek with your perceived realities, whispering wild ideas into your inner ear, showing movies in your mind, stirring your passions mysteriously, yet so powerfully. If you are imprisoned in any way by your work, your family, your education, your religion, your government, your fantasies become your freedom. Sometimes your ability to fantasize is the only freedom you have.” She terms fantasy the ‘theatre of the mind’ that makes up a huge portion of human consciousness. Our sexuality is fueled by fantasies of the past and the future, as well as ‘pure’ fantasies-wild dreams that never happened and that you never really want to have happened-that haunt and stimulate you like a kinky parallel universe.
A sexual fantasy can be a long, complicated story, a quick mental flash of erotic imagery. Whatever form it takes, it arouses your sexual feelings. Experts agree that sexual fantasies are important, powerful and pervasive. The origin of sexual fantasies is a different discussion altogether, also is the decision whether or not to share them with anyone. In this quarter’s column we just want to look at some of the most common fantasies so the naïve can develop some level of comfort around them if their spouse shares them.
The most popular sexual fantasies among men and women involve images of sex with a passionate, attractive, exciting partner who will do whatever you want, even if that means dominating you. Even traditional women who prefer romance to porn enjoy the fantasy of the ‘perfect lover’. It is even more common to fantasize about your real-life lover, who may not be perfect, but is certainly familiar and easy enough to conjure up in the erotic theatre of your mind. But because it is a secret sexual fantasy, you might imagine something different. Maybe you fantasize that your lover is aggressive even though he or she is usually passive in real life, or that the two of you are being watched, or perhaps you imagine yourself watching your lover have sex with someone else. This brings us to the next most popular type of fantasy.
The threesome is a very common sexual fantasy. It is often associated with the male erotic imagination. It is certainly one of the most widespread fantasies, invoking images of double-wived patriarchs and the pleasures of the harem. Power and surrender, or dominance and submission (D/S) fantasies are quite common among both men and women. They seem to be gaining in popularity, but they are even older than the human race. They can be crude or romantic, marvelous or dangerous. D/S fantasies may involve sadomasochism (S/M), bondage and discipline (B/D), an imagined abduction, a fantasy rape, spanking, whipping, tickling, torture, teasing, body worship and a host of other activities.
Another common fantasy combo is seeing and being seen, showing off and watching the show, exhibitionism and voyeurism. It is not all visual; you can be an audio-voyeur who enjoys hearing someone talk ‘dirty’, and you can be an aural exhibitionist who gets off on telling your sex secrets to the world. But most exhibitionism and voyeurism is about the joy of the erotic gaze, breaking through the strong social taboo of visual privacy. The entire porn industry is based on people’s voyeuristic desires to see otherwise forbidden images of other people engaged in sex.
However, every normal man has certain sexual fantasies and most of these remain a subject for pillow talk only, but lack of openness between partners and in the society in general often makes such pillow talk a source of anxiety especially for the females. One common fantasy, which most of the girls we talked to for this column, shared with our team, is the man wanting to see two women make out. The other is to feel aroused if other men show sexual interest in the spouse. Both these are never discussed with anyone outside the bedroom and mostly girls raised in conservative environment feel offended if their spouse lets them know about it. This makes them feel like they are inadequate for their partner and that is why he needs to use his imagination to spice up things.
Our society is hell bent on ignoring realities and that is promoting a culture of dishonesty, deceit and hypocrisy. There is a whole world flourishing behind the visible where all such fantasies are being played out. In the name of modernism and liberalism a number of activities are planned which lure the young and the innocent into the fantasy fold. We discovered through our selected group of individuals, chosen for being bold enough to reveal their thoughts on the subject, that a number of fantasies, seen on porn sights are common occurrences during these parties. These include threesomes, foursomes, spouse swapping and full fledge orgies.
The responsibility of giving knowledge to the young lies upon the parents and the teachers so when temptations lure them, they are able to make informed choices and are not caught in the web of deceit due to their ignorance. Similarly if we educate our girls about real life through proper channels they will be able to deal with the challenges of life. They will be able to tell the difference between adventure and perversion. They will be able to save themselves from sexual predators and will be more adequately equipped to deal with behaviours which may be considered a little unconventional.
Sexual fantasies are a reality and there should be space in our relationships where we can openly talk about them, at least with the select few who are directly involved. That way we can avoid a lot of complications and psychosexual issues that arise mainly from the lack of openness and communication. A healthy combination of mental, emotional and physical involvement is essential for mutually pleasurable intimate relations. False notions of modesty and lack of information are the biggest hindrances in the development of healthy relations. This is an important part of man-woman relationship and plays a vital role in the success of a marriage. In our society, we compel couples to stay together for all insignificant reasons including social expectations and prefer to remain silent on aspects of life, which can guarantee real happiness and promote healthy and fulfilling relations.
Man is a curious and adventure-loving creature. Sex is first and foremost a source of pleasure for both sexes and a means for procreation. We can pretend to ignore it but cannot undermine its importance. If fantasies come up as a topic during conversation with your partner, instead of thinking ill of your partner, use it as an opportunity to strengthen your bond.
Most of the girls we spoke to for this article confessed that the fantasies shared by their partners remained fantasies and there was no real wish or desire on their partner’s part to actually play them out. However, when they first discovered about them, it made them uncomfortable. They were offended by them, to say the least and had actually resulted in lack of confidence in themselves. It made the act of love making less pleasurable for them. Male partners mostly keep such fantasies to themselves, which makes the act less pleasurable for them as well. They are a product of this society as well and they feel uncomfortable sharing such fantasies with their partners because they too feel that having such fantasies is wrong and probably puts them in the category of perverts.
A simple solution to this complex issue is interpersonal communication. In the end you may discover that there is nothing to worry about, it’s just a little game, which can be used to cement the relationship, and is healthy after all. When you open up to your partner, whether you are a male or a female, you will understand your partner better and you will enjoy your life.