Pakistani weddings are not less than a Bollywood movie
Once you have chosen the right partner, Pakistani wedding is not a simple affair. It’s a circus, a drama of sorts, it has everything you can imagine from a Bollywood blockbuster.
The Extra Long Guest List
Preparing a guest list is probably the hardest thing to do, why? Because if you don’t invite uncle Riaz and auntie Sameena they are not going to talk to you forever and they are not even close friends. The guest list has well over 1000 people on it, but the town hall can only accommodate 250. How to manage it???
Any Pakistani wedding has lots and lots of ceremonies: The mehndi, the pre-mehndi, the pre-pre-mehndi, the registration, the shaadhi, the nikkah, the walima and the countless musical nights. You may even think, do these festivities last 2-3 days or 2-3 years? Seriously, the celebrations are way toooo long. The rituals also include force feeding, grand khussa theft and lots of emotional blackmailing.
The good old fashioned battle Royale
No Pakistani wedding is complete without a brawl, period! People tend to fight over everything; be it the colour of the napkins, who to invite or the food. However, these fights are normally insignificant, but sometimes they turn into full on family feuds with close relatives refusing to attend the wedding and even lobbying others not to attend.
The Grand Theft Shoe
Say hello to the Grand Theft Khussa, for those who don’t know Indo-Pak culture, the wedding celebrations include a ritual where bride’s sisters/cousins steal the poor guy’s (aka the groom) shoes. Sometimes they even wrestle to take it off and the poor guy is left bare foot and in a state of shock before his family and friends. How to get your shoe back? One way only, pay a lot of money to your wife’s sisters and cousins. Starting from few thousand to the-cousins-decide, the groom ends up paying nearly as demanded. There is no running away from this ritual unless you decide to walk outside bare feet.
Pakistani Wedding favors Laddoos
Force feeding is a part and parcel of a Pakistani wedding. At some point you will have unknown number of not-related aunties who will get that whole Laddoo down your throat. Moreover, the aunties will come with about half a ladoo, expecting you to eat it all. By the end of this ritual you must have added 8kgs to your weight.
Smile! you’re on Camera!
Your plate is full of lamb kebabs and chicken karahe and here comes the single most annoying person in the universe that day: the weird looking Cameraman. His old camera from the 90’s has a very bright light attached to it which shines in your face. Run if you can, run, but there is no place you can go to unless he takes the funniest shot of you with your mouth stuffed with food, mwahahahahaha!!
The Angry Phupoo
Right your aunt Mrs Ahmed is angry because you can’t change the pre-planned wedding due to her doctor’s appointment but what about you’re Phupoo? Your dad’s sister (Phupoo) is there to point out all the minor faults in all of your wedding ceremonies. She feels entitled to give her opinion even if you don’t ask her and she gets annoyed when you don’t listen to her. It’s your Walima day and you just served food for the guests and all of a sudden you hear loud voice from the women’s side. You investigate what are those voices and what you find is shocking: The angry Phupoo is annoyed and threatening to leave the Walima and your dad is trying to convince her to stay. The reason is, she wasn’t asked before the food was served.
The War on Food
Do you know that some people only come to a Pakistani food catering? They come and self-declare ‘warfood at Pakistani weddings on food’. You don’t believe me, see it for yourself when you go to the next wedding. Everyone is calmly sitting and chatting but all of a sudden the announcement is made ‘the food is being served’. The rush to get food will make you think these people have never eaten before and this is their last meal. The pushing, the shoving the pulling back: all means the great food war has started. Plates flying here and there, kids screaming for food, the food marks are all part of this epic battle of battles and whoever wins this goes home with a full stomach and whoever loses will sleep hungry tonight.