Psychosexual Problems: Silence Over Sex
By NZ Malik
One of the good things about marriages in the South Asian countries is that they are actually meant for life. The man you marry when you are in the twenties is most probably the man you are going to be with when you are sixty.
Now that sounds like a good thing and it has many good aspects as well and if you completely ignore the sexual relations between a man and his wife it is almost perfect. However, fortunately or unfortunately depending on where you were born, the sexual relations between two people play a major role in determining the quality of their relationship. A lot is achieved by environment where free mingling of sexes is prohibited, but the fact remains that after a few years monotony seeps into marriages and couples start losing interest in each other.
When it comes to female partners/ the wives the traditional upbringing and the economic dependency puts them on the weaker wicket. In South Asia commonly women are not supposed to be sexually demanding so it never occurs to them to view sex as a right or a source of pleasure but more as a duty and those who find pleasure in this duty secretly enjoy it but keep it to themselves.
This is a misconception; women are also sexual beings and they also have sexual needs which a man is expected to fulfill but that is a topic for a different column, right now we will only establish that since women do not view themselves as sexual beings and do not think that they have a right to sexual pleasure so we will not talk about them.
Men on the other hand believe what the society endorses that they are sexual beings first and foremost. It is their right to have sexual pleasure and they derive it whichever way that their means allow them to. Most men in our society are not promiscuous; those who are will seek younger women whom they can afford as mistresses and will not feel a sense of guilt because they feel they have a right to sexual pleasure which they cannot any longer derive from sleeping with a wife with whom they have been married for 20 or 30 years.
The society accepts this behaviour because although sex is a taboo topic in our country, every adult understands its importance and is more than willing to make compromises in the name of sex (without really giving it that name).
Women who do not wish to share their husbands with cheap bimbos who are out there looking for older men to secure their future or to enjoy a luxurious life at their expense will have to acknowledge the elephant in the room called sex.
They have to spice up their sex life. The love between the husband and wife is already there, it is all about the physical pleasure which is not so hard to achieve only if you are willing to be a little adventurous in bed.
The first tip that all sexologists suggest is open talk between partners. Try to find out what is it that your partner likes and for that you will have to break the vow of silence over the subject. Discuss it with your husband and find out about his secret fantasies. Find out how you can make your sex life more pleasurable for yourself and your husband and you can beat the monotony and the multiple problems that come with it.
Be a little more adventurous and open. Women with conditions that sex as a topic is never open for discussion will lose their husbands to other women that are willing to sell sex for money. Open and meaningful communication between spouses can do wonders for long term relationships.
The second tip for couples living together for long periods of time is experimentation. There is nothing wrong with being open to experimentation when it comes to your sex life. This experimentation has to be to your and your partner’s liking. It has to be a mutually agreed diversion. If you enjoy it and your husband also enjoys it, then that can bring the spice back into the relationship and make sex more enjoyable for you also.
Any experiment that your spouse enjoys and you don’t, does not have to be continued. It is a fact that for any act to prove pleasurable it has to have similar effect on both the partners. You will be doing a favour to your partner when you tell him openly if there is something that makes you uncomfortable.
One of the biggest problems with society as closed as ours is that simple problems are considered humongous because we refuse to openly discuss it and come to a solution which suits both the parties.
Humans are all sexual beings and there is no dignity or grace in avoiding or denying this fact of life. It is not whorish to discuss sex with your husband.
The complete silence over one of the most important aspects of human lives is unnatural. There are men out there who want to have better sexual relations with their wives. They have even tried to discuss sex with their spouses but have had to give up after sensing the discomfort and reluctance on their partner’s part. They will want nothing more than a better understanding of their wife’s sexual needs. For some men the pleasure lies in the knowledge of being able to please their partners and for almost all the fulfillment is in the knowledge of sex being an act of mutual pleasure between a couple. When they cannot find this comfort at home they venture outside and often complicate things without having any intentions of doing so. So break the silence and talk to your partner before he can find solace in the arms of another woman.